The Pain from going with the Grain

Guys, I know. It has been well over two years since I’ve done any type of writing or blogging. The reason is because I was a hermit and depressed and couldn’t process not feeling much of any type of emotion. Please realize I say “couldn’t” and not “wouldn’t” – that is a very intentional word choice.

Anyway, after two years of loneliness and being emotionless, I’m now trying to process it.

Due to my depression and my newly found emotions, I am having major troubles opening up to certain friends. And by certain friends, I mean my old friends that share my faith. For some reason, during this terrible time, my Christian girl friends disappeared.

And I think there are three reasons.

1.     In the Christian world, particularly in the college years, they train you that the best way to grow in your faith is to process, Process, PROCESS! Christian groups want you to meet one on one with others in your group, to talk it out with people in your Bible study, to chat over coffee with your leaders, to study with others, to meet in weekly small groups, to go to large groups, to host hospitality events. It's all constant talking about what you are going through and learning and feeling about your relationships with Christ.

I literally couldn’t do that. (I do not believe that therapy works for depression.) I had no vitality and couldn't dare to show strangers just how bad off I was.

As a result, as I slowly stopped participating in events since I had nothing to contribute and therefore felt unwelcome. My friends who were taught to do these things moved on with others. They didn’t intentionally try to abandon me but more so accidentally abandoned me since their schedules were so busy.

2.   We were all “strong, powerful female leaders” so I was going to be fine and we put my emotional needs on the backburner since leaders take initiative and leaders get busy.

I don’t know if this makes sense or not outside of my brain. Basically, all my friends were smart, introverted leaders. You know, the type of leaders the internet praises.

The problem, however, with YOUNG leaders is that we don’t know when to stop leading the sheeple and when to take time for ourselves and our loved ones. This is quite common in the church among leaders, as well. The congregation expects all of a leaders' energy and pastor’s families are lost in that demand.

My Christian friend group stops and treats certain people that we “know” need help- those that are vocal about being depressed and seeking attention, those that are diagnosed with disorders, those that don't love Jesus and are asking questions, etc. But for our friends that are also leaders, we figure "she will be okay and if I can just finish getting coffee with each of the girls in the small group I’m leading first, then I can try to find time afterwards to meet with my close friend." Or, similarly, "since I’m hosting a coffee night as an outreach, I might as well multi-task and invite my depressed friend so I can catch up with her there as well."            

Unfortunately, that close friend suffering from depression and extreme loneliness isn’t going to handle it well that you placed her tenth on your list of things to do in the next two months. She may not want to meet up one-on-one to discuss her depression and most likely will reject that offer, but she won't feel great about never receiving that invitation that you are available to her.

3.       We were best friends and best friends wait for their besties (while the bestie is finishing up her personal goals).

I used to think besties did wait but I'm starting to doubt how much the relationship is being invested in if there is little back-and-forth in the relationship. I would wait and wait and then at 1am my friend would get back from her events at the local high school and then we’d run an errand for her and that was our only hangout time for the next month.

Or, as we moved further away, I would wait to schedule a time to see her, go down and visit, and then listen while she went on and on about her most recent breakup waiting for my turn to answer the question, “how is your transition to the real world” for which I would express how not goo I was, but that question never came. (If you are depressed, you don't want to speak up and changed the subject to say how miserable you feel without being prodded by someone else.)

Or, I would happily serve in a bridal party for my best friend because it was for a beautiful, God-seeking relationship only to realize a year later her husband will now be a part of every get-together and I can’t express my darkest depressed thoughts in his presence. And worse, when I try to hint at my depression and what helped me out of it after three years of not feeling anything, I’m told I’m being selfish and bitter when she has been so out of touch of my life because I haven't had the chance to tell her what state I've been in for the past two to three years.

Naturally, I do have a lot of bitterness by the lack of friendship my close Christian friends showed in the past two years, almost three years. I know I need to forgive. Frankly, after being frozen without emotion for three years, just being able to FEEL that I‘m bitter is exciting. Very few people will understand why it's still good for me to feel anything, no matter what emotion, but I think I can live with that for the tie being.

On the bright side, admitting this is how I feel is the beginning step. There are many more steps to come. Right now, I just feel like an oyster that had a grain of sand get past my shell and it hurts and is irritating. But beautiful things can come from that.

Like pearls.

The Oyster - A Poem

The Oyster

There once was an oyster
Whose story I tell,
Who found that some sand
Had got into his shell.
It was only a grain,
But it gave him great pain.
For oysters have feelings
Although they’re so plain.

Now, did he berate
The harsh working of fate
That had brought him
To such a deplorable state?
Did he curse at the government,
Cry for election,
And claim that the sea should
Have given him protection?

"No" – he said to himself
As he lay on a shell,
"Since I cannot remove it,
I shall try to improve it."

Now the years have rolled by,
As the years always do,
And he came to his ultimate
Destiny – stew.

And the small grain of sand
That had bothered him so
Was a beautiful pearl
All richly aglow.

Now the tale has a moral;
For isn’t it grand
What an oyster can do
With a morsel of sand?
What could we do
If we’d only begin
With some of the things
That get under our skin.

 Author: Unknown