Apparently I'm not an Introvert

For years now, I've thought I was an introvert. I swore by being an introvert. But I was very wrong. And don't think I'm crazily misinformed about what introversion is so I missed the boat on my personality. There were tons of signs such as:

• I would always get tired of being with certain groups of people.
• I would never think of things to say in a discussion until a few hours after the fact since I needed time to process.
• I love activities like reading and hiking which don't require others. 
• I have a few very close friends instead of lots of friends. 
• I like watching activities first before participating in them.
• I am highly analytical (I am an engineer after all). 
• I have been known to want to curl up in a corner of a crowded room to hide.



Cats are an introvert's perfect pet.

• I like cats instead of dogs.

So when I lived alone for those two years that should have been an introverts' dream. I could retreat to your own place after work and then invite friends over when I chose and kick them out when I needed to re-charge. Like a bachelor's pad.

But then, why was I so depressed all the time?

I don't mean, "aww I feel sad right now because I am alone." I mean, "I haven't mustered an emotion for months and all I can do is get out of bed to pee or to locate that bag of chips which I will eat under the covers." I literally had no energy or capability to feel or do things. And when I did see people, like go to Wawa to get more chips, cashiers would ask, "hi how are you?" and I would want to start sobbing for no good reason. Even my mother finally admitted there was a possibility I was depressed. (If you know my mother, you know that isn't an easy thing for her to say.)

September 2013 rolled around and changes hit me:

• I moved into a house where I had a roommate. 
• I got a new car that doesn't overheat every 30 minutes of driving. 
• My cat had to be put down. 
• Work changed so I was being relied on by many more clients and wasn't being micromanaged.
• My grandmother was hospitalized.
• My friend's mother started hemorrhaging and I was on constant call in case I needed to be a supportive friend and make a trip up to visit her.

You know, all that stuff which if occurred not at the same time can be handled with focus but together it shocks your system. But after these changes occurred, I was feeling things again. Heck, after that month occurred I even developed a crush on a boy! (That was an experience I hadn't had in three years or so.) I was around a person now all the time (yay for roommates). I can now drive to go visit friends instead of stressing over if my car will leave me stranded on the side of the road. I don't feel guilty when leaving a cat behind to visit friends or family for any reason (since I have no cat anymore). 

So I was thinking about it and realized something. My energy levels/spirit/emotional state does not actually need alone time to recharge. In fact, I was doing better as soon as I had another person around. And then, I took a personality test that told me I was extroverted. (Don't worry, I'm actually a severely straight down the middle ambivert.)

After hearing I was likely an extrovert, I was stunned. Denied it. Refused to believe it. But after mulling it over for about a month without telling anymore that my personality must have changed, I realized:

• I am highly enthusiastic.
• When I am in a healthy group of people, I gain so much energy and feel rejuvenated and I get sad when I have to leave or that party has to wind down to an end.
• I love being in engaging conversations and I try to keep everyone involved.
• I am great at chatting up people next to me on the train or airplane.

I think an important fact is that I realized I actually need to be around the presence of others more than the time I need to recharge. My roommate is the opposite. She is like a super introvert and requires long periods of time to recharge. I, on the other hand, can't get anything done without having others around. And all those times when I thought I was alone as a kid, that wasn't by my choice - it was because my friends lived 45 minutes away, not that I had chosen to not hang out with them.

But the most important fact of learning that I was a social extrovert is that all those groups that were draining my energy levels weren't a reflection of how I tended with people. Those groups that were draining to me weren't actually healthy groups of people for me to be around. I can't describe the situations well but when God finally revealed this to me, a light bulb went on and now I can handle these situations so much clearly now.

Anyway, while I am an ambivert so I have tendencies both towards extroversion and introversion, the fact that I socially react better as an extrovert I think is a key weapon for me to fight my depression.

The Pain from going with the Grain

Guys, I know. It has been well over two years since I’ve done any type of writing or blogging. The reason is because I was a hermit and depressed and couldn’t process not feeling much of any type of emotion. Please realize I say “couldn’t” and not “wouldn’t” – that is a very intentional word choice.

Anyway, after two years of loneliness and being emotionless, I’m now trying to process it.

Due to my depression and my newly found emotions, I am having major troubles opening up to certain friends. And by certain friends, I mean my old friends that share my faith. For some reason, during this terrible time, my Christian girl friends disappeared.

And I think there are three reasons.

1.     In the Christian world, particularly in the college years, they train you that the best way to grow in your faith is to process, Process, PROCESS! Christian groups want you to meet one on one with others in your group, to talk it out with people in your Bible study, to chat over coffee with your leaders, to study with others, to meet in weekly small groups, to go to large groups, to host hospitality events. It's all constant talking about what you are going through and learning and feeling about your relationships with Christ.

I literally couldn’t do that. (I do not believe that therapy works for depression.) I had no vitality and couldn't dare to show strangers just how bad off I was.

As a result, as I slowly stopped participating in events since I had nothing to contribute and therefore felt unwelcome. My friends who were taught to do these things moved on with others. They didn’t intentionally try to abandon me but more so accidentally abandoned me since their schedules were so busy.

2.   We were all “strong, powerful female leaders” so I was going to be fine and we put my emotional needs on the backburner since leaders take initiative and leaders get busy.

I don’t know if this makes sense or not outside of my brain. Basically, all my friends were smart, introverted leaders. You know, the type of leaders the internet praises.

The problem, however, with YOUNG leaders is that we don’t know when to stop leading the sheeple and when to take time for ourselves and our loved ones. This is quite common in the church among leaders, as well. The congregation expects all of a leaders' energy and pastor’s families are lost in that demand.

My Christian friend group stops and treats certain people that we “know” need help- those that are vocal about being depressed and seeking attention, those that are diagnosed with disorders, those that don't love Jesus and are asking questions, etc. But for our friends that are also leaders, we figure "she will be okay and if I can just finish getting coffee with each of the girls in the small group I’m leading first, then I can try to find time afterwards to meet with my close friend." Or, similarly, "since I’m hosting a coffee night as an outreach, I might as well multi-task and invite my depressed friend so I can catch up with her there as well."            

Unfortunately, that close friend suffering from depression and extreme loneliness isn’t going to handle it well that you placed her tenth on your list of things to do in the next two months. She may not want to meet up one-on-one to discuss her depression and most likely will reject that offer, but she won't feel great about never receiving that invitation that you are available to her.

3.       We were best friends and best friends wait for their besties (while the bestie is finishing up her personal goals).

I used to think besties did wait but I'm starting to doubt how much the relationship is being invested in if there is little back-and-forth in the relationship. I would wait and wait and then at 1am my friend would get back from her events at the local high school and then we’d run an errand for her and that was our only hangout time for the next month.

Or, as we moved further away, I would wait to schedule a time to see her, go down and visit, and then listen while she went on and on about her most recent breakup waiting for my turn to answer the question, “how is your transition to the real world” for which I would express how not goo I was, but that question never came. (If you are depressed, you don't want to speak up and changed the subject to say how miserable you feel without being prodded by someone else.)

Or, I would happily serve in a bridal party for my best friend because it was for a beautiful, God-seeking relationship only to realize a year later her husband will now be a part of every get-together and I can’t express my darkest depressed thoughts in his presence. And worse, when I try to hint at my depression and what helped me out of it after three years of not feeling anything, I’m told I’m being selfish and bitter when she has been so out of touch of my life because I haven't had the chance to tell her what state I've been in for the past two to three years.

Naturally, I do have a lot of bitterness by the lack of friendship my close Christian friends showed in the past two years, almost three years. I know I need to forgive. Frankly, after being frozen without emotion for three years, just being able to FEEL that I‘m bitter is exciting. Very few people will understand why it's still good for me to feel anything, no matter what emotion, but I think I can live with that for the tie being.

On the bright side, admitting this is how I feel is the beginning step. There are many more steps to come. Right now, I just feel like an oyster that had a grain of sand get past my shell and it hurts and is irritating. But beautiful things can come from that.

Like pearls.

The Oyster - A Poem

The Oyster

There once was an oyster
Whose story I tell,
Who found that some sand
Had got into his shell.
It was only a grain,
But it gave him great pain.
For oysters have feelings
Although they’re so plain.

Now, did he berate
The harsh working of fate
That had brought him
To such a deplorable state?
Did he curse at the government,
Cry for election,
And claim that the sea should
Have given him protection?

"No" – he said to himself
As he lay on a shell,
"Since I cannot remove it,
I shall try to improve it."

Now the years have rolled by,
As the years always do,
And he came to his ultimate
Destiny – stew.

And the small grain of sand
That had bothered him so
Was a beautiful pearl
All richly aglow.

Now the tale has a moral;
For isn’t it grand
What an oyster can do
With a morsel of sand?
What could we do
If we’d only begin
With some of the things
That get under our skin.

 Author: Unknown